ok so its been forever since i've written on this thing, but somehow it seems to help me get things off my mind a bit...and lately i feel like i'm carrying a lot around so its time to lighten the load...so college is just around the corner and money...oh money is such and object...i've spent my whole summer working anf still it seems that there just isn't enough money...i'm working on it though...things will eventually get better with that i'm hoping and i guess in some way everyone has some sort of debt...so ha why not start with a few thousands dollars worth of loans haha...so financially i'm not as sound as i would like to be...i'm also nervous that maybe i'm not going to like my roommate so much because well she already told me if i want to i can live with someone else...i was like woa...but i guess i'll face that when it comes time to worry about it...overall i guess those things are all a part of life...one of the things thats hitting hard lately...well i guess it has to do with kevin...i guess whats bothering me most is the fact that we barely talk anymore...i mean he texts or he'll aim conversate a little...but it doesn't feel the same...almost like he just doesn't wanna talk...he says he does and i want to believe he does, but i kinda feel like i'm being pushed away...he wants me to talk to him about my life, but i feel closed out from his...we used to talk on the webcam or the phone...but hmm in the past week and a half or so no webcam...maybe two or three phone calls that lasted for not very long...i'm trying so hard not to push the issue, but sometimes it just hurts...chris said it happens like this sometimes and reminded me of what i told her when scotty made her sad..."he's just busy and he misses you just as much"...that helped some...i love chris she knows just what to say to make things better...but somehow it still feels strange to me...why can't he just talk to me? is it that hard? and then sometimes i wonder if theres something i'm missing, but i don't think i am...i hope i'm not...i trust him probably more than i've trusted anyone...except well my best friends they kinda tie here...i don't know...i'm kinda waiting for college to start so maybe i won't have as much time to notice things like that with classes and homework and such...but somehow i know i will...i miss him...that won't change, but i'm hoping that eventually he comes around and things get back to how they were...like we aren't having problems i just wish i didn't feel like i was pulling teeth to talk to him sometimes...ehh maybe i'm just overreacting...i don't know i guess i'll have to see...maybe he'll talk to me tonight...i'm doubting it...i donno i guess this is part of the long distance thing...i wish i was tired...naps usually help in this sort of situation...i get tired take a nap and when im sleeping i don't think ha i love sleeping...it makes me sound like a bum but whatever...naps are like my favorite lately...especially after a loooong day of working....ehh well i vented enough...

right here in this moment...im sitting in a chair with my heart in my throat...trying so hard to just not cry because of everything...i was doing so well i didnt even care or maybe i just pretended i didnt care so much that i fooled myself...i found hope...why did i have to find that hope...he held my hand...he said i was gorgeous...he covers my mouth when im being and idiot like he used to...he hugs me in the morning and makes fun of me in that dumb way...we make faces across class...and sometimes if i ask nice enough he gives me gum...he gets so close when i need help with something i can smell that scent of his...i was doing so well and then i got that hope...and then he throws it in my face that its been two months...yea i know its been two months and he already loves that socially awkward girl...how do you love someone you barely know...or rather how do you love someone you flat out said you dont trust...tell me how that works explain it to me so i understand...ugh i want to yell at him so bad but weve been doing so well...ugh i hate seeing them together and lately ive been so good at putting on a brave face and ignoring it all together...so why this hope...why now...he tried to get me a rose for valentines day and i had to fight it so hard not to just break down and cry in the store...why do i remember all of this when he so quickly forgets...why is that ugly little girl so special to him...ugh its whatever i suppose...four months left of highschool and all these tears will be wasted on a boy who could care less...well go our seperate ways and that will be it so why do i care this much...why does my heart ache when i think about it for too long...why do i get so excited to see him when all thats on his mind is going to see her...i simply must be thinking too hard...ive got to let go...ive given up so much already...and now we are fighting...i knew it wouldnt take long...one step forward always leads to a million steps backwards...ugh...i want to just genuinely be happy like everyone seems to think i am...and well soemtimes i am...i have my moments...maybe tomorrow will prove to be a better day...not likely now though...i guess i can just hope...maybe ill take it all out on the mountain tomorrow...im frustrated at him...i was having an alright day and for soem reason i started thinking about him and the dumb things he does...and then i talked to him and argued and ugh...its like a never ending battle...quote:you always had an eye for things that glitter i was far from being made of gold...i told you that iw as happy for you and givent he chance id lie again... 

ok so no school today and let me tell you thank goodness for that...i didnt get home until almost two in the morning because i had to yet again take a trip to the hospital for another persons broken bones...first i go with my mom and my brother because he decided he was gonna break himself so he had to half hug himself for a while...then monica decided to get drunk off her ass and dance so first she twisted her ankle then the next day she decides to walk on snow covered ice and break herself...and then doesnt go to the hospital instead walks on it all day goes to play pool with me and comes back to my house because shes in pain...then we spend a good half hour explaining that yes shes a minor but her parents died and she doesnt have a legal guardian...and im an adult and the damn doctors should help her and all this stuff before they take xrays or anything...and poor her every person that came in the room touched her ankle ha she wanted to punch someone...i probably wouldve...damn people aggravated me lol...ha but she told one of the nurses to ducttape my mouth shut right before she went to get xrays...not very nice i know...hmmm soo today i slept...almost fell off my bed cuz i was trying not to get beat up and not to hit a broken ankle...hard thing to do...but anyways my mommy made me pancakes for breakfast...well not just me my brothers too...but yea i felt special =]...ha i like when she makes me food...ha im such a fatass...i practically did nothign today...i need to write that technical report ive been thinking and thinking of what i want to say i just cant concentrate long enough to formulate a good essay thingy...ha oh i almost forgot i called michael yesterday...naturally we argued...i was seeing if he wanted to come play pool he said no...and we argued more...i ended up telling him seeing him and his girlfriend made me sick...=X...i may have found it a little funny...idk i just dont have that respect level for people who fuck me over anymore i guess...maybe im just like a devious bitch when i want to be...mwhahaha...idk it is what it is a suppose...but that boy better stay away from me on tuesday...fucker said he was gonna push me off a lift i seriously think he fell off his rocker or something because hes got to be out of his mind if he thinks id let him go on a lift with me after that comment...plus its probably better if i just keep my distance...anyways i think im going to procrastinate a bit more...like watch some tv or something maybe get all dolled up for nothing and then work on stuff for school...yea thats what ill do...